Hey girl-

We’ve all seen them. They’re everywhere. He says exactly what we want to hear. It’s every straight woman’s and gay man’s fantasy. “Hey girl….(fill in the blank).” Music to our ears and candy for eyes. And it doesn’t matter our relationship status- married, single, “it’s complicated”- we swoon. Ryan Gosling has made quite the online presence (through no effort on his part I’m sure).

We all fell in love with The Notebook. The movie Drive gave us a peek into his dark side. And who can forget the shirtless scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love? No one, that’s who. I suppose it wasn’t really until that particular movie that I jumped on the Gosling bandwagon with the rest of the swooners. The hot, sexy, player type turned nice guy? Um, yea- the daydream secretary is busy overbooking that fantastical utopia.

As a happily married woman, I am grateful that I no longer need to participate in the wild, animalistic world of dating. However, I feel the need to reach out to the single men of the jungle and offer you this bit of advice. You are not Ryan Gosling. Please do not ever use cheesy pickup lines such as, “Hey girl, are your legs tired? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day.” or “Hey girl, I’m so glad I brought my library card…because I’m checking you out.” and the one that takes the cake, Hey girl, guns can be dangerous to society, so I am gonna register my arms before I cuddle with you tonight.” Sure these classic words of romance might sweep the naive damsel off her feet in the movies, but hopefully no respectable girl would succumb to such nonsense. Just sayin’.

Now returning back to our regularly scheduled fantasy…

To all the ladies posting these glorious pictures of this beautiful face/body we shall now refer to as “O Resplendent One”, please do not stop. And please continue to etch into these splendiferous images, words of empowerment, praise and magnificence- for they sing to us a song of “siiiiiiighhhhh…..” with a smile on our faces.

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Pillow Wars

The never ending bedtime tug-of-war. It always starts out okay. Me on my side of the bed and my husband on his. We have a queen size bed. It’s not enormous but provides plenty of space for the both of us. Though when falling asleep we typically like to snuggle up to one another. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe this idea of togetherness while sleeping gets embedded into our subconscious and continues to play out during the night. Or maybe I am just so irresistible to my husband that he just physically can’t be away from me. And that’s usually how it happens. I seem to be perfectly comfortable dreaming away on my side of the bed. He is the one who always squirms his way over.

Most couples seem to have issues with blanket hogging. My issue is with the pillows. And we don’t even just have one per person. There are two, pleasantly plush pillows for the taking, for each of us. And yet, in the wee hours of early morning I find myself without. Not that he has taken my pillow to his side of the bed (at least that way my head would still have a place to rest). No. It’s that his subconscious has maniacally conspired and worked its conniving, deeply sleeping brain container over to MY side of the bed and onto MY pillow. I am forced awake, finding that my head has been displaced from the cushy center of my pillow to the teeny tiny corners of the great beyond. Not cool.

I suppose I could push and shove my lovely husband across the bed-lands, back to his place of origin. Perhaps I need a bit more gusto. But I feel bad. There. I’ve said it. I’ve always been the type of wife to take his needs into consideration in the dream state. “I wouldn’t want to disturb his peaceful slumber, would I?” “He works hard all day, I just need to leave him to relax.” Well, enough is enough! I declare war! I will no longer be victim to his pillow hoarding ways! From here on out, I will pronounce what is rightfully mine and will never again subject myself to the horrors of pillow corners.

Thank you for listening.

*disclaimer*  If you or someone you love has fallen victim to pillow stealing, there is help. Please get in touch with your nearest ‘I’mnottakingthisshitanymore’ representative (aka your newly improved badass self) and put an end to this heinous action. We shall take back our night!