The 11th Year.

9/11 is a day that will forever be embedded into our memories. It is a day that hangs heavy and somber in our hearts. For those who lost loved ones, it is a day to remember and grieve. But as history has always shown, life goes on. People get up each day, go to work, spend time with their families, spend money, go on vacations, etc. The most immediate reactions and emotions we had that particular day, fade slowly off into the distance.

Each year, we commemorate the anniversary of this tragic event. Some weep, some get angry and I am sure there are those who don’t bat an eye. Me? I feel sadness. But perhaps in a way you might not think. The sadness I feel is more of a yearning to remember and recreate the level of humanity that was expressed that fateful day. Political affiliations, skin color, income levels- none of that mattered. People came together to love, support and embrace one another.

Here, on the 11th anniversary of September 11, 2001, I find myself asking, “Why is it that it takes such a horrific event to bring us together as compassionate human beings?” Of course there are many individuals who practice such things as compassion, unity and love on a day to day basis, but sadly, as a whole, I feel we so easily forget to institute these virtues. Wars rage on, racism thrives, greed and egos grow, agendas implemented. We live in fear of things yet to come. We see these attacks as attacks on AMERICA. We place the blame on other cultures and beliefs. The truth is any such attack that happens anywhere in the world is a tragedy against the human race.

I don’t really believe that this world is ever truly capable of creating a utopia. I feel that there are too many who live to serve their own purpose. There are some who will see this as a cynical point of view. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. What I do know is that I can be me. I can be a positive and empathetic soul in a world seemingly shrouded in darkness. So today, let us not dwell on tragedy. Let us live in compassion and love everyday. Let us live our lives to the fullest in each moment. By doing so, we will continue to honor those who are no longer able.

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How I got my groove back

ImageIt’s been awhile since I had a good hard core, rock out, hoop jam session, but tonight was my night. Part of it has been that the husband and I have just recently returned from a 6 week road trip. The other part of it has been that it  has not dropped below 105 degrees for some time now- and that is just too dang hot to do anything in! Today however I decided to bite the desert dust and go for it, for it has been long over due. That and I have a brand new, super awesome, LED atomic hoop to boot! This hoop is the bees knees and has been patiently sitting in the corner of my room just waiting for a good spin. 

I gave it a go earlier in the day while the sun was still behind cloud cover. I suppose I lasted 15 minutes or so before that burning orb decided to make an inevitable appearance and bake me from the inside out. It felt good but didn’t feel quite enough. My attempt to go to the gym today was quickly thwarted once we arrived and realized that it closes early on Sunday. No matter. It left me with plenty of energy to head out into the cover of night and get my hoop groove on. This plan of action didn’t actually come to fruition until I was finished salivating over my hearty dinner of hawaiian pizza and subjecting my eyes to some rather inspirational hoop videos. They get me every time. 

But that is only half the motivation. The other half consists of music. I will admit, I have been in a music rut. It’s amazing when one has close to 600 songs on one’s playlist and there is just nothing on there worth listening to anymore. That put me on a mission and subsequently brought with it the purchase of 3 new tunes. Naturally, I will listen to these songs until death do us part, (so a few weeks straight maybe?) and then it will once again be time for something new. For this particular evening, they well served their purpose. 

Finally ready to go with hoop in hand and iPod in pocket, I cranked the music and let my body fly. The moon was out and about and gazed over me as I danced. I noticed lightening off in the distance flashing its flashy bolts, probably happy for the company of my flashy lights. I twirled. I swirled. I moved my body in soft, swaying, goddess-like ways. My insides sang songs of bliss. My bare feet took delight connecting to the earth. I transported to a place of freedom with the moon as my witness. 

All this happened in the span of an hour. It was all I needed. 

And this is how I got my groove back.

A Magical Birthday Weekend

Friends and Laughter and PLAYing together

HOOping, dancing, tWirlinG and SWirling

FaiRIES, trees, SpaRkly chanDEliers, bellS ringing

yoga, MeditATION, sleepING and dreaming

CosTumes, head dresses, body PAINT and glitter

music blaRING with BASS thumping, ears RINGing and eyes DroopING

EATING vegeTarian YUmmies, dirTY feet, TIRED feet, lots and lots of walking feet

babies, MAMAs, youNG and OLD, men, WOMen, BLack and white and all the colors in between

turNinG 30, bIRTHday presents, smiling, shivERING

snugGLING, Cuddling, LOVING, hugs and Kisses, inspiration and connection

 

All these things and more. Life is BEAUTIFUL.

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My evolving life

I was on the cusp of something huge. I could feel it with every fiber in my being. We had a pretty epic storm last week and it turned out to be a perfect metaphor for everything I was experiencing. Just as the wind forced its way through the valley, my truth was forcing its way through my being. I could no longer keep it inside. Fear? No longer dictating my desire to speak from my authentic self.

It was not an easy decision to finally allow myself to “lean” into my fear, but it was necessary. And so I did. The energy permeating the air was almost tangible. All that I had been holding onto for so long had finally been released. The empowerment I felt was almost surreal. It was also terrifying. But I survived. And it was received in the way I had been hoping with all my heart. 

And so the next part of my path moves forward. And I am so excited! I feel more fully myself again. It’s such a beautiful and freeing feeling. My purpose is continuing to become more clear and I know this next chapter, when it happens, will allow me to wholly embrace my womanhood. I can already sense the energy and it resonates with me on such a deep level. My capacity for love is greatly expanding and it feels so right.

Thank you Universe. Thank you for your guidance, strength and love when I needed it most. Thank you for helping me recognize that it was there all along and all I had to do was liberate it. Thank you for challenging me. 

Thank you.

30

It’s happening in just 17 more days. The big 3-0. And can I tell ya something? I’m pretty freakin’ excited about it! I notice much of my peer group slinking away, hoping to avoid it. “Ugh, we are getting so old!” is what is usually spoken. For those that like to live in the past and relive the “glory days” of high school, to that I say, what is wrong with you people? Does puberty and crazy off the chart hormones not ring any bells? Awkward growth spurts, the pressures of sex, will I or won’t I get into the college I want…? The drama of it all seems so miniscule in hindsight.

Then there were the early 20’s. More freedom, more fun and also more responsibility. Now I have never been one to follow what most would consider the traditional route in life. I home-schooled my junior year of high school, graduated a year early (tho I still went to my senior prom and it was terrible), got a full-time job and my own apartment by the time I was 17. And to answer the question that is probably going through your head right now, no I didn’t come from a horrible home life. My parents are amazing. I was just one of those self confident, independent girls ready to strike out on her own! College didn’t happen either. I thought about it. Wanted to be an interior designer for awhile but decided I enjoyed it more as a hobby than I would as a career. I discovered my inner hippie early on (learned energy work and yoga at the ripe age of 16) and decided to become a certified hatha yoga instructor. Taught a pre-natal yoga class for awhile and fell in love with pregnancy. Then I trained to become a doula (which is a professional labor and birth support person).

I have moved quite a bit in this time as well. Heard Sedona, AZ was a nice place while in my yoga teacher training so I moved there after graduation. Met my (now) husband the first or second week I lived there. Moved in with him after a month of dating. Then we moved to Hawaii, just to check it out. Beautiful but ultimately, not for us. So we moved back to Sedona. Spent a couple more years there until deciding to move up to Ashland, OR. LOVED it there. Met some crazy awesome people, had some crazy awesome fun times and then moved back to AZ (but this time to Phoenix) for the third time. I suppose we will be here for awhile.

I have seen babies born, had family die, got married, almost got divorced, met amazing people, danced naked under the stars, went to my first big music festival, started businesses, experimented herbally, became obsessed with hula hooping, skinny dipped in the waters of Hawaii and a ton more. My 20’s have been amazing.

I expect my 30’s to be monumental.

I don’t know why I have such high hopes, but I do. I suspect I will only continue to build on this transformational process I am currently experiencing. I’m hoping my 30’s will be for me, what their 50’s are for most people. I can feel that I am on the brink of discovering a part of my unseen self. It’s gonna be super cool. Things are definitely shifting.

So with that, I would like to bid adieu to my 20’s. You did me good. We went through a lot together. And to my upcoming 30’s…let’s rock this.

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A call to self

It’s time to delve in deep. Deep into the farthest reaches of my soul. I find myself following the path of the “wild woman” archetype. I long for her. How do I release her? How do I embody her essence? She has called out to me for many moons- a quiet voice desperately trying to make herself heard. It is time for her to be free. She dances, she sings, she laughs, she loves…she worries for nothing because there is nothing to fear. She is playful, she is intuitive, she is a creator of her own being. She is reborn with each breath.

Her voice is louder to me now. A whisper that has become a cry, for she yearns for me too. She is presenting herself in ways I cannot ignore. She is in the earth. She is in the women that come into my life. She is in my spiral dance. I am ready to be joined.

What do you have in store for me? I am afraid but curious. I believe in your power because I recognize it as my own. I want to give myself completely to you. I want to rest in your wisdom and be at peace in your love. I am strong but together we are stronger.

You have always been. Not just in me, but my mother and my mother’s mother and so on. You have existed since the dawn of time finding your way into each of us. You come in many different ways and many different names but I always know you when you’re there. I sense you. When I look in a mirror, I see your reflection looking back at me. When I plant a garden, I see you nourishing growth. When I dance, I feel you spinning ecstatically with me. And when I cry, I hear your voice within me.

It is time for us to be as one. There is no more separateness. There can’t be. The room in my soul that housed you for so long, is slowly pushing you out and the door is closing. As we merge into togetherness, you…are now….me.

Welcome home.

An early gift.

Today, I am in my power. Today, I am in my feminine- in the fullest sense of the word. I feel emotional. I feel like laughing. I feel like crying. I feel like dancing and smiling, nurturing and embracing, loving and being loved. Perhaps it’s because it’s Beltaine or because my cycle started today. Maybe it’s because turning 30 is on a reachable horizon. Or maybe it’s because I am a woman.

In this last decade that have been my 20’s, I have experienced excitement, loss, happiness, heartbreak, strength and growth. I have come into maturity and acceptance. I have found what I am passionate about in this life. Things I have always identified with have been put into question. I have seen life, death and rebirth. I recognize how amazing it is for me at such a “young” age to be in this place, where others who may be older, still wander or are lost.

The one monumental experience I have struggled with in recent years, is whether or not motherhood is part of my path. My entire life has been built around this idea that I would have children. I thought I would have 3 by the time I was 30. I now find myself questioning that attachment. I have been told by some that being a mother (in the most biological sense) is not necessarily my path. I have also always had this underlying sense that I wouldn’t ever have my own. Whether that has been fear based or an unrecognized intuition, I am still trying to figure that out. There have been definite “awakening” moments when I feel that for me, motherhood as I had always thought of it, is not the way in which I will serve. My last few weeks have shown that perhaps I am in fact meant to serve in another way as a “mother”, by way of supporting women through their different phases of life. There are still moments when it is difficult for me to accept that. Watching a mother breastfeed her newborn or seeing families interacting with each other can sometimes cause a surge of grief. But ultimately I feel that whatever is meant to happen…will. I am consciously trying to practice non-attachment either way.

Through all of these processes, the one thing that holds true is the sacred connection I feel to my female relationships. I love my husband, my dad, my brothers and all the other male relationships that surround me. Their roles play largely in my life. But the bond created between women is unlike anything else. We empathize, support, listen and inspire in ways only a woman can do. You helped create space for me to grow. You are a silent (and sometimes not so silent) strength for me when I need it. You shower me with love, guidance and encouragement. You taught me that it’s okay to be me. I feel confident in my ability to fulfill my place in the world and to offer my gifts.

From one woman to another, thank you mom.